Mental Illness; My Struggle [Confession]

Mental Illness

 

Hello lovelies.

While there is more to this story, more illnesses I face, I decided to share what I’m ready to with you.

I am a huge supporter of this cause & this year after struggling with my own issues I came out to all my friends & family in support. I suffer from mental illness[s] & it’s never easy to live with these silent struggles.

I was diagnosed with my first disorder when I was 16, but when I was 14 it was realized there would need to be stronger action taken. I was put on sleeping pills because I also suffer from insomnia but after a short time on them I had to get off. I had memory blanks & lost time, I couldn’t remember where I was or what day it was. I had completely erased a week from my memory. To this day I still don’t remember, I only remember my friend’s worried look when I insisted it was the month before.

 I suffered in the dark for years because I was scared of speaking out to anyone about my issues. I forced myself to do everything possible to recover. I forced myself to go out, hang out with people, work harder, exercise, etc. I soon realized within the last year after having to return to the doctors, I had forced myself to do everything to escape my problems so they only got worse.

I had to accept not every problem can be fixed, but it can be helped. I had to accept who I am, what I’m dealing with & get the proper help.

I sometimes feel like I’m an addict, though that term is not said to insult anyone. I’ve felt this way about it because I’m always going to be recovering, my problems will never go away. I can sometimes slip & fall off the bandwagon. I can’t get over my issues without help.

Recently I was so determined to get better I stopped taking my medication, I went on a positive everything attitude & never took a smile off my face. I was certain to call off every outsider that was there to help me, I didn’t need them. I was fine, I always was fine. Within a few days I found myself slipping, I could feel my irritation rise, my moods swing, & I was losing control. It really tore me down when the thought crossed my mind. “Take your pills.” I hurt myself with those words, my heart ache & I cried.

It was again another realization that I’m not okay but I’m going to fine. Taking pills is not a loss of control over my mind, I never asked for this but those pills are here to help me. Not destroy me. I have control over myself, but sometimes I can be my own worst enemy, that’s something I have accepted.

I’m not a bad person, I’m not a disease, I’m a human being that has my own struggles, my own story & I understand that. I want others to understand that you’re not damaged goods. You’re not alone in this fight even when you feel you are, you have many people & places that support you.

Medications are not demons, they’re here to help support you, help you & be there for you. I use to look at them as these evil things designed to remove my control over my mind. There not though, they help me accept & understand. Through those struggles with the medication I learned a lot about myself, how strong I can be, how I need to accept help offered, & that I can’t run from my problems.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting those things, to be free, to somehow remove all these issues. To not want to take medication. There is nothing wrong with that, something people need to understand. It sucks, of course it does. We don’t always like it, most of the time we loath it but those thoughts are normal & there’s nothing wrong with that.

We’re human; we have bad days & good days. Sometimes we want to escape & I think we can. We can find our outlets & have our moments. Writing is my escape, it’s healthy, safe & for however long I want I can immerse myself in another world. I try not to look at my problems or the medication as bad guys, I make sure not to see myself as a bad guy either. Through this process I have so much appreciation, support & love.

I want to help others become inspired & know they’re loved & not alone. I want people to understand.

The medication doesn’t mean something is wrong with me. Not in the dark sense most people categorize themselves in. I am the same person I’ve always been, stronger, better & each day recovering from my issues to be the best my best self. My illnesses don’t mean I’m less of a person, even when people can’t understand these struggles, I won’t allow myself to give up.

 I’m not broken, or damaged.

I’m strong, beautiful & you know what, I’m awesome.

The way I look at my struggles is a reminder to overcome them, to fight harder, to love more, and to stay strong always & forever. I have a life to live no matter what I’m living with. I’ll continue to fight; I’ll never give up on anyone, especially myself. I look at this situation with this comment. “Any time something seems like a disadvantage, it will become my advantage.” I say this, I remind myself of this & I will continue to live by it.

No matter how many times I fall, there are people here for me. I will always stand back up & walk through each door with an open mind & heart.

 

Advertisements

22 thoughts on “Mental Illness; My Struggle [Confession]

  1. ljlenehan says:

    Thank you for sharing this! I’ve lived with depressed people my whole life… My mother, my husband, myself by times… Writing about it is liberating! xo

  2. Melisa.K.Martin says:

    You’re beautiful Ky. I’ve been there too, and it gets better, I’m still there sometimes, but every day comes with its own struggles. Get in touch if you needa talk babe! xo

    • Ky Grabowski says:

      Hello Melisa 😀

      Your so kind, thank you! Your beautiful too! Keep strong and never give up. That’s what I say to myself, even when struggles arise. There’s got to be some beauty in those struggles so I try to look for them.

      xo!

  3. Ronald E. Shields says:

    Mental illness can be so difficult to come to terms with…I am fortunate to have found a brilliant therapist and the right combo of meds so I can live the life I want. Thanks for sharing your story, and keep up the fight.

    • Ky Grabowski says:

      Yes I agree, it is very hard to come to terms with.

      I wasn’t sure about revealing it to anyone but I believed that was the problem. People shouldn’t be afraid, we all struggle and it’s how we handle our struggles that matter. I want my struggle to help others. 😀

      I am living a life I’m happy with and I will continue to make it better as time goes on and things are properly dealt with now. It takes time and hard work to get through this and to learn how to deal with it.

      Thank you for commenting!

  4. weakleykevin says:

    Your story is a refreshing one that delivers very good details on how to treat and believe in ones self regardless of any stated illness or not. You bring immense strength through words.

    • Ky Grabowski says:

      Oh that just melted my heart! Thank you for saying that, it really made me smile. I never thought about the strength my words had, but again thank you for telling me they had that.

      -KG

  5. meekins says:

    Thank you for sharing such a personal account, it’s never easy to talk about. I’ve faced such similar struggles, but find that the older I get the better I know myself, it’s quite a beautiful thing.

  6. Vanae Keiser says:

    I’ve met so many beautiful girls like you. And I love them all. Thank you for sharing your experience. Perhaps it can help others to are struggling with similar challenges.

    • Ky Grabowski says:

      Wow, this truly has made my day! I adore your blog, and the stories you’ve shared. It means a lot to me you ventured over here and read this.

      Thank you & I do hope through telling my stories that others can learn and grow from it.

      Have a lovely day 🙂

Express your thoughts =)

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s