While there is more to this story, more illnesses I face, I decided to share what I’m ready to with you.
I am a huge supporter of this cause & this year after struggling with my own issues I came out to all my friends & family in support. I suffer from mental illness[s] & it’s never easy to live with these silent struggles.
I was diagnosed with my first disorder when I was 16, but when I was 14 it was realized there would need to be stronger action taken. I was put on sleeping pills because I also suffer from insomnia but after a short time on them I had to get off. I had memory blanks & lost time, I couldn’t remember where I was or what day it was. I had completely erased a week from my memory. To this day I still don’t remember, I only remember my friend’s worried look when I insisted it was the month before.
I suffered in the dark for years because I was scared of speaking out to anyone about my issues. I forced myself to do everything possible to recover. I forced myself to go out, hang out with people, work harder, exercise, etc. I soon realized within the last year after having to return to the doctors, I had forced myself to do everything to escape my problems so they only got worse.
I had to accept not every problem can be fixed, but it can be helped. I had to accept who I am, what I’m dealing with & get the proper help.
I sometimes feel like I’m an addict, though that term is not said to insult anyone. I’ve felt this way about it because I’m always going to be recovering, my problems will never go away. I can sometimes slip & fall off the bandwagon. I can’t get over my issues without help.
Recently I was so determined to get better I stopped taking my medication, I went on a positive everything attitude & never took a smile off my face. I was certain to call off every outsider that was there to help me, I didn’t need them. I was fine, I always was fine. Within a few days I found myself slipping, I could feel my irritation rise, my moods swing, & I was losing control. It really tore me down when the thought crossed my mind. “Take your pills.” I hurt myself with those words, my heart ache & I cried.
It was again another realization that I’m not okay but I’m going to fine. Taking pills is not a loss of control over my mind, I never asked for this but those pills are here to help me. Not destroy me. I have control over myself, but sometimes I can be my own worst enemy, that’s something I have accepted.
I’m not a bad person, I’m not a disease, I’m a human being that has my own struggles, my own story & I understand that. I want others to understand that you’re not damaged goods. You’re not alone in this fight even when you feel you are, you have many people & places that support you.
Medications are not demons, they’re here to help support you, help you & be there for you. I use to look at them as these evil things designed to remove my control over my mind. There not though, they help me accept & understand. Through those struggles with the medication I learned a lot about myself, how strong I can be, how I need to accept help offered, & that I can’t run from my problems.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting those things, to be free, to somehow remove all these issues. To not want to take medication. There is nothing wrong with that, something people need to understand. It sucks, of course it does. We don’t always like it, most of the time we loath it but those thoughts are normal & there’s nothing wrong with that.
We’re human; we have bad days & good days. Sometimes we want to escape & I think we can. We can find our outlets & have our moments. Writing is my escape, it’s healthy, safe & for however long I want I can immerse myself in another world. I try not to look at my problems or the medication as bad guys, I make sure not to see myself as a bad guy either. Through this process I have so much appreciation, support & love.
I want to help others become inspired & know they’re loved & not alone. I want people to understand.
The medication doesn’t mean something is wrong with me. Not in the dark sense most people categorize themselves in. I am the same person I’ve always been, stronger, better & each day recovering from my issues to be the best my best self. My illnesses don’t mean I’m less of a person, even when people can’t understand these struggles, I won’t allow myself to give up.
I’m not broken, or damaged.
I’m strong, beautiful & you know what, I’m awesome.
The way I look at my struggles is a reminder to overcome them, to fight harder, to love more, and to stay strong always & forever. I have a life to live no matter what I’m living with. I’ll continue to fight; I’ll never give up on anyone, especially myself. I look at this situation with this comment. “Any time something seems like a disadvantage, it will become my advantage.” I say this, I remind myself of this & I will continue to live by it.
No matter how many times I fall, there are people here for me. I will always stand back up & walk through each door with an open mind & heart.