Inside My Head

This is a short story I wrote back in highschool for a creative writing assignment. I am still very proud of it but be warned it is dark and deals with the subject of insanity. I hope you enjoy however if you do read. Thank you :)

We were asked to write about Man Vs

I chose Man Vs Himself

Originally I had this posted as a page but decided instead to move it into a post of my stories. I hope you enjoy it all the same.

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                               Inside my head

By: Ky                                                  December 9th 2009

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We all have fears that we must come to face in life. I cannot face my fear; my fear is myself. Every time I look at myself in the mirror what I see on the surface is not what lives inside me. I feel as if two people inhabit me the crazed one, and the normal one. I don’t know which one I am.

It’s a struggle I go through everyday, who do I act of?  Do I pretend that sometimes there’s nothing wrong with me?  Something is wrong with you, I hear in my head.  Sometimes the other I takes over, whether they do good or bad I’ll never know.  How can you control something you cannot see?

It feeds off my anger; it feeds of the emotions that I hide from everyone’s eyes. I’m not human; it’s just not right to feel the way I do alone.  It scares me, when it wants to be free; for I won’t speak to it, I try not to feed it; I’m terrified it might win the battle and consume me fully.

When a monster is waiting to come out; to lock me away.  What am I supposed to do if that is myself. I’m my own worst enemy; it has me in its grasp.  Like a finger pulling off a trigger, it is waiting for that gun to go off and free its self. I’m that finger holding down the trigger, but my hand is trembling now. I may not be able to fool anyone much longer.

A bang goes off.  I am pushed back.  I see the tears of those around me, I feel their pain.  I watch as they see a girl disappear from their sights.  Her face plastered before them, going off away to a place where they will no longer see her again.

Silence erupts in this room.  Suddenly people are not speaking.  I watch and look, wondering too. I feel myself being taken away. I ask “What is going on?”

No one hears me; no one hears a thing in this room.  The colors of my world are ripped away; a grim laugh escapes my lips.  I press my hands against the wall; there is no mirror to see myself now.  I see nothing but a wall.  An empty wall staring back at me.

I just wanted to go home.  I tell you no lies.  I wanted to be with my father, he made me.  He must accept me as I’ve come to be.  I wanted to be at home in the clouds.

The ticking of a clock can be heard in the far distance behind me. Changing my thoughts.  I watch as two hands connect then disconnect from each other.  The clock and me have one thing in common.  We can run around away from our counterpart but we must face it sooner or later.  Were connected, even if we wish to be disconnected.

I’m disconnected from a world, a world that doesn’t accept what I’ve become.

My thoughts run around me, I see a movie of a life I use to live.  I glance at one girl particular, she smiles at me. I try to break free and go to her, but I’m stuck.  I’m trapped in the corner, no way of escaping. She suddenly runs off, I then realize once again I’m alone.

I then understand I was wrong, there is only one person inside of me. I am the person I’m supposed to be, that no one inhabits me expect one person.

I thrash myself around; I can feel a substance make its way down to my hand as I try to break free.  I scream, I scream I tell you I scream.  It doesn’t stop, it won’t stop. My head slams to each side left than right, wanting to get away.  The torture inflected on me, doesn’t hurt.  I’m not one bit scared, about where I’m going to go. My eyes snap shut, the darkness seeping out of me returns faster than they can take it away.

I let it set in I have no choice. The other me is no longer the other, it is me.  I’ve always been what lived inside of me. I feel the warmth of my jacket as I rock back and forth. I sway to each side as I look up to see the light; it’s a simple white light above me.   I’ve always had the truth and answers to what was going on.  I’d like to share them now as they bring me down, my wrists are wrapped up, so are my hands.  Pieces of me lay scattered about the floor like a broken mirror.

I open my eyes. She’s there grinning at me. “Darling you won’t be free of me.” I back up. I’m up against the wall. She steps closer, her hands wrap around me. She whispers to me “I’m you. I’m inside of your head.” I close my eyes as I sway from side to side in this white walled room. I smile as they all look at me.  They lock the door in fear of the monster, which I’ve become.

I listen to the clock for its all I have to keep me sane. I stand up, slowly walking to the window as they watch me.  I smile as my hands slid down the window leaving my prints. They back away, as my eyes stare them down.

No one likes me; no one likes what has become of me.  I let the thing inside me, feed for too long and now we‘ve become one. They know now after watching me, what is wrong with me.  I knew long before them though, I needed no doctor to tell me. “I’m insane.” I finally found a place that accepts some things come to be as me.

I am alone, but they whisper I’ll get better. I hear the door creek open; I turn around my hands dropping to the side of my body. My thoughts disturbed of stories and lies. They listen to my tales, this just being one. My final words to you are “Try to become what you wish; not what you fear.”  My lungs in hale and exhale, my chest rises higher every time it lowers. I feel their presence; my breathing begins to choke me as they say no lies of where I belong.  This is my home.

         “Welcome to the mental institution.”

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