The Blue Twenty-Two’s

The day I turned 22 was awesome. A fantastic day certainly.

After the excitement wore down I rested my head in my hands with a million thoughts. Have I accomplished anything? What am I doing with my life? What is my purpose? The list continues on. It became overwhelming and soon I was washed away in the negative sea. I think it started from the forced normality & ideals society has attached to our lives.

The life I’m supposed to be living by now, according to the unofficial platform. I’m not. I’m not in a relationship, I don’t dream about being married or having kids. I don’t have a clue what career I should be focusing on. I’ve yet to complete college or attend. I have no freaking clue what I should be doing.

So what am I doing with my life? That is just one of the questions I realized I didn’t have the answer for. It weighed heavily on me. For the last few months I found myself stuck in a rut. I turned 22 and found I didn’t fit anywhere – or accomplished half of what I ‘should’ have by now. I’m still young but from as far back as I could remember, everyone wanted answers and I was supposed to have them. What did I want to be? What was I going to be and how would I accomplish it?

I haven’t come to a concrete conclusion yet. I’m still seeking the answers to all the questions I have but, I’m also not sure if I will ever figure those out. I can’t deny the overwhelming stress that surfaces from that or the failure that sinks its teeth into my skin. It’s unnerving not having a solid plan, whether I followed it or not, to at least support me.

But, I can’t begin to grow if I only focus on one side of things. There’s a balance to life, good, bad, and everything in between. I can learn from not only one but all and when I’m ready too, I can look beyond the surface of these experiences.

In regards to the pressure society hangs over my head – screw it and the normality I’m supposed to have. This is my life and I’ll define it how I see fit. I’m not following the plan that was hard wired growing up. I shouldn’t feel like the trash on the side of the road because I’m on a different path.

It will be hard and filled with uncertainty at times. It might feel like I’ll never make it a step further but the negativity that circles above me is only that. It’s still a part of life and if I don’t accept it then, I’ll continue to play a game of cat and mouse. The steps I take will vary in size and sometimes be laced with caution and other times completely rebellious.

I learned through this post, which took hours to write, that it was important to understand I’m not a plan. I’m a human being. My path isn’t a failure because its steps aren’t societies. My feet belong to me, not an idea crafted long ago. I’m tired of giving into the negativity those plans offer.

I have accomplished many things, and I don’t have a single purpose in life; I have a million and more. I can look forward to the future, to the dreams and plans I have. Most of all I’m choosing the path that suits me, that allows me to grasp what I can. I’m happy with that – with being who I am and living life my way.

Yes. I have no idea what the future holds or what I should be doing. I don’t have the answers to any of my questions just yet. I’m terrified and excited to find out. All I can do though, is to believe in myself and my goals. I will work hard, I’ll set goals and in the end hope that it will all work out.

What about you guys, how do you move past such experiences? Is your plan going well or a bit off track?

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