When the past catches up…

A long time ago, when I was a child, someone important in my life, left. In a way to cope with the sudden event I decided to remove any traces of them from my surroundings. Including my memories. I didn’t want to feel that hate and pain constantly. It kept me from enjoying the life I was living. Harboring those emotions only negatively impacted my life.

Being optimistic and positive is part of who I am. Of course that’s not all and it doesn’t come without flaws.

When that same person returned a few years ago, I was at a loss. Eventually I reflected on my decision to let go of that person and came to understand why I did what I did. I wanted to be free, the entire event and the emotions that followed were too much. At the time I was only a child and hardly able to sort out things as well as I can now.

The problem with that decision was ultimately it wouldn’t be good for the long run. I hadn’t moved on, or dealt with what happened. I simply buried it and fought to forget it. I hid it so far away that for a time I forgot. However the past always catches back up – and it came crashing through and I felt as if I was drowning.

After the shock wore off and I had time to think – I become conscious of something very quick. I deal with it now to fully move on or push it aside again. Now even if the option I choose had been the latter it didn’t make it wrong. We have to make the best choices for ourselves in the moment. We have to trust our decisions. I choose to deal with it head on. It felt right and the best way to step forward in my life now that I was older.

It didn’t mean I forgave that person. The events surrounding those times weren’t okay. They knows that and are willing to earn their forgiveness. I respect that and am hopeful for the future. It won’t be easy and sometimes I do question why I’m doing this. It’s painful but, trying to avoid pain is about as easy as avoiding air.

However, I comprehended that if I don’t give this a chance I’ll never get if off my mind. I’ll wind up heading straight for a repeat of that vicious typhoon that swept me under. If things don’t work out then at least we both made an effort to start anew. Which I feel is extremely important for us both.

Through this experience I learned why it is alright to move on and do it how you feel is best. We are all different and so are the ways we cope. We cannot be forced into things because then it’s never genuine. I’m willing to give chance to the things I previously wasn’t ready for and it will always work out, sometimes good and sometimes not. But, I tried and that’s all I can ever do. I can’t promise myself this path will offer a happy ending. I only know that I do hope for it. I’m willing to travel down it to see what awaits.

I’ll grow either way and step forward. This time around the past will stay where it belongs as a reminder, and as inspiration. All those memories, pain and joy are part of what has shaped me into the person I am. There memories only I have and that I don’t want to hold me down but help me push a head.

I am scared but most of all I’m ready. 🙂

What about you? Are you ready to face any old foes, challenges – have any future obstacles you’re looking forward to overcoming? ^.^

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