Worth: the value of something
Self-worth is an obstacle I haven’t conquered yet. It’s also a topic I’ve strayed from talking about for a long time. I was afraid to open up and share my struggle. I’m disappointed in myself for that. So, I decided that its time to step forward.
It’s important for me to note that self-confidence and self-worth, while similar are different.
Self-confidence: Confidence in yourself and your own abilities
Self-worth: confidence in personal value and worth as an individual person
It came to my attention during a session with my counselor (some time ago). She looked at me and said. “You’re a confident person. You have a great deal of self-confidence. Yet, as for self-worth; you have none. You don’t believe you hold any worth as a person.” When she asked me why, I had no answer. How was that even possible?
Of course I became confused but, eventually it clicked. As far back as I could remember self-worth has been an issue in my life. As for that question, why did I think I had no self-worth? I never gave her a response. It took years for me to understand why, myself.
It started with simple things like: never wanting to be in pictures, refusing to speak up in class, shying away from things I used to enjoy.
The little things soon piled up. I recalled the consistent comments about the distance between myself and others, the walls incapable of being broken down. The notes left on assignments and report cards stating “Should speak up more.” or “Quite knowledgeable about subject but never showcases it with others.”
It blew up in front of me.
I wanted people to forget me. I didn’t want to be remembered. I wanted to be erased from the memories of others, so my life could never impact anyone else. To make it almost as if, I never existed in the first place.
I know now that those thoughts and feelings come from a few different places. It built up over time – it didn’t just happen. I kind of got stuck in a web and spun round and round.
Instead of emerging from a cocoon with new wings, I wrapped myself up in fear. I grasped tightly onto the small comfort I managed to find, and didn’t come out.
Up until now.
The problem I now face is to overcome it and truly believe in my value as a person. (For me) The first step? Stop hiding. Defiantly the easiest. Step two? Acknowledging a simple statement. I’m important and I have to work hard at this. No tip toeing.
As for steps three, four, five? … Well, that is something I’ll learn on the new paths I take. This isn’t something that can be fixed overnight. Without a doubt this challenge will break me.
However, because of that it allows me to improve as a person. It requires my full strength, no holding back. I wanted to share this story with everyone because no one should feel like this. No matter what brought us to believe those negative thoughts.
We’re important. Yes, we’re worth it.
These wings are adjusting, stumbling as we work out the details but, their open.